


7 Stages

by shenanigan_manifesto



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Drug Use, M/M, Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, alcohol use, caretaker, coming to terms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28907232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenanigan_manifesto/pseuds/shenanigan_manifesto
Summary: Denial. Pain. Anger. Depression. Upward turn. Reconstruction. Acceptance.V leaves the Arasaka space station with only 6 months to ponder his Truth and reconnect with an old love. Searching for an answer to the question: How do you process all the stages of grief when it's holding a mirror to your own death?
Relationships: Kerry Eurodyne/Male V
Comments: 46
Kudos: 132





	1. Denial

_ 6 months left. _

“Good to see you, kid.” Viktor Vektor pulled V into a hug.

It was only a few days since V touched back down on Earth. V felt pained every day that passed, time slowly eating into the 6-month death sentence he signed up for after leaving the empty promises on the Arasaka space station.

“Hey Vik.” V said quietly. He didn’t remember the last time he felt such close human contact, the time spent being poked and prodded by cold doctors fresh in his memory.

“How ya doing? They treat you ok up there? You need me to take a look at ya?” Vik fussed. 

“I’m fine Vik.” V forced a smile. “Their bedside manner’s pretty shit, but I’m fine.” He touched the side of his head reflexively. “Like I said when I called… they got the biochip out. I’ll be ok. I just wanted to come by and say hi now that I’m back.” 

His guilt V might have felt for lying was overshadowed with the relief he saw pass over Vik’s face. The ripperdoc settled into his stool and leaned forward with elbows perched on his knees.

“You don’t know how glad I am to hear that V, really. Welcome back. If you need anything, let me know ok?” He looked towards the back door into the alley. “Or Misty, you know? She cares about you too.”

V looked down at his feet. “Thanks…”

“So what’s the most feared and fearless merc in all of Night City up to now?”

V turned, studying the anatomical drawings pinned to the walls.

“I… I’m not sure.” He was truthful this time. How does one even begin to live again once they know the end is closing in on them?

He looked down at his phone, saliva catching in his throat as he looked down at the glowing photo on his lock screen. Kerry Eurodyne. He set this background on V’s phone himself after snapping a cheeky selfie a few days before the Arasaka… incident. He was smiling wide in the photo, his blue optics shining, hair coiffed and sharp as ever. V tried to even remember why he was so happy in the photo, but his memories were still so fuzzy after the chip was cut out.

He unlocked the phone and hesitated over the icon to open hundreds of unread messages.

The thought of seeing Kerry again hurt his chest. V didn’t know if he ever wanted to see him any other way than smiling just like that… after all the destruction he brought to Jackie, Johnny, or T-Bug… there’s no way it’s fair to bring that kind of vicissitude back to someone he loved. If he was going to go out, he didn’t want to continue to drag down the people he loved with him.

“Well if you go out and celebrate, be safe ok?”

Celebrate…

V was pulled out of his thoughts, grateful for the distraction. He turned to smile at Vik, pocketing his phone. “I will. Thanks Vik.”

* * *

“Another round for the table!” V thrust his empty glass into the air as the table of strangers cheered. V’s arm was slung around a joytoy who was slurring a nonsensical story in his ear, hands pawing at V’s chest. His companion’s bare legs were curled underneath him, the small pair of pants offering little comfort against the blasting cold air-conditioned booth.

The VIP table at the Dicky Twister was covered in empty glasses, eddies, and piles of unusual powders. A smattering of coked-out partiers gathered around him; men in gold-patterned suits and women boasting plumes of brightly-colored feathers and plunging necklines. Studs and chrome plated with all kinds of metals glinted under the flashes of lighting from the dance floor. A waterfront for a neokitsch zoo, all flocking towards him to be spoiled.

The waiter presented V with a fresh drink and he knocked it back, blinking away the wavy vision distortions that hit him immediately.

Several hours earlier V withdrew everything from his account in paper with the intent of a wild night out. He insisted to himself that it was for style, but a thought lingered in his brain that he might not have the wits about him to manage his own accounts once...

V’s phone jingled in his head as a text from Vik came through. He withdrew his arm from the unintelligible joytoy to pull the phone out of his pocket.

**you up? Closed up shop for the night. got some cold ones and the title match fight is on. Come by if you want.**

“Oh Vik…” V sighed as he put the phone back in his pocket unanswered. He couldn’t help but feel undeserving of the attention; after all, he already owed Vik so much.

“That your boyfriend?” The joytoy slurred. V’s heart fluttered, turning to look him in the eyes.

“What?”

The joytoy gestured at V’s lock screen, “That cutie, are you together?”

V looked down to Kerry’s face for a moment before flipping the screen down.

“No he’s…” he swallowed, struggling to describe what Kerry meant to him now. An ex? An old friend? Surely, someone that he’d rather want to be seen as dead now, rather than cause him heartache being dead in months..

The joytoy placed a hand on his cheek, pulling his face back towards him. “Don’t worry, I’m just here to make you relax. Let’s forget about it.” V nodded, letting the stranger lean forward and push their lips together. V leaned into the kiss, trying to push down the emotions rising into his chest.

He knew this wasn’t the same. He missed Kerry’s warmth, the way the corners of his lips twitched when they kissed as devious ideas came into his head. He missed the smell of real leather and the expensive cologne he dabbed on his neck. He missed the smartass commentary about how V rocked on his toes slightly to be the taller one. He even missed the stale taste of old diner coffee Kerry loved so much.

The joytoy had the tact to ignore V’s tears.

* * *

V leaned heavily on the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. He found himself in all sorts of trouble the last four weeks and it showed on his face. Getting tossed out of nightclubs, throwing fists in underground fighting rings, running from the NCPD… it all was taking its toll. His eye socket was bruised and puffy and his lip was split, the rest of his face decorated with cuts and bruises of all shapes and colors.

He brought a hand up to his face and traced his cheekbones… fuck, was he always this...  _ gaunt _ ?

_ You look like you’ve already kicked the bucket. Fitting. _

V gasped and stepped away as Johnny leered at him somewhere in his mind. Quiet… Johnny always came for him when it was quiet. V only felt alone when his mind was numbed with liquor and loud music.  He stumbled out of the bathroom into the club.

Red lasers cut through the air. Deafening bass rocked the concrete floor. The air stank of smoke and bodily fluids of all kinds.

The Totentaz was packed tonight, wall-to-wall crowd thrashing to the hardcore beats blasting out the speakers. Gangbangers and club kids alike moved their bodies together, lost souls searching to channel their rage through synthetic beats. After days of sleepless nights, splitting hangovers, club hopping, and falling from the transactional arms of shallow affection in one motel bed to another, V found himself wandering into an old friend on Maelstrom turf in search of something stronger.

“Preem shit huh??” Dum Dum knocked V hard in the shoulder after he took a long drag of the inhaler he was offered. “You finally gave into the dark side, I like it.” He laughed maniacally and took the inhaler back, huffing it deeply.

V squeezed his eyes shut and took a shuttered breath, leaning back onto the bar. “Don’t know why I let you talk me into this.” He yelled over the music. “My ripperdoc’s gonna fucking kill me if he finds out I’m doing glitter.”

“You’ll forget about a-a-a-all that once you’re over the comeup. Then you’ll thank me.” Dum Dum gave V another firm knock on the back before disappearing into the crowd, his mechanical eyes fading into the clash of neon crimson. V signaled to the bartender and watched as she slowly poured him a new drink, fixated on the bubbles rising from the swirling liquid as he resigned to give into the experience.

V flipped his head back as the drug started to pound through his heart, sweat-covered hair falling out of his eyes. He brought his hands in front of his face. They felt so much lighter now... ghostly shadows trailing behind where he moved.

“Well what the fuck do I have to lose” He murmured, giving the bartop a gentle tap with the glass before shooting the drink back.

* * *

“Fuck.” V’s entire body ached as he rolled over and opened his eyes. He was flat on his back in the middle of the road, the sun starting to spread orange across the sky as the early morning approached. He wasn’t sure how he arrived here, or how his chrome hadn’t been picked at by scavs.

_ You’re one lucky dumbass. That’s always been a trait of yours.  _

Johnny’s voice.

V threw his body weight to the side, pulling his protesting body onto all fours and a splash of vomit hit the pavement. His chest heaved, gut wrenching as he spewed the vile innards of his digestive tract onto the ground. Unlike the abominable mixture of bile and liquor, he couldn’t purge his unwanted passenger from his brain.

“Leave me alone you bastard.” V hissed aloud, hanging his head in between his arms before sitting back on his haunches.

His entire body ached as if he had been hit by a speeding train. V glanced at the time on his visual display: 4am. It had been hours since he took the hit of glitter and his body was beginning to revolt against the withdrawal. 

The drug shot through his blood like wildfire, overriding every emotion and replacing it with an extreme feeling of… joy… and excitement that V had not felt in a very long time. His vision warped into new shapes outside of his imagination. He melted into the sea of bodies, twisting and stretching in random time as the music pumped blood through his body. Friction of flesh and chrome permeated through his muscles and teased every nerve.

He had felt alive, truly alive.

But just as V’s own life was closing in on him, the feeling did not last long before the reality came flooding back even more painful than before. V pulled himself upright on unsteady feet.

_ This is just sad. _

It pained him to admit it but Johnny’s voice was right, it was sad. A star-crossed merc marked for death. His shredded clothing painted with vomit, hungover and brooding in the street under the early morning sky.

He pulled out his phone and stared at his lock screen again, his chest tightening as Kerry’s smiling face appeared on the screen. He traced his finger over it, noticing his own profile shadowed in the corner. He had brought his lips to Kerry’s cheek as the shutter snapped, despite the teasing he knew he would endure for pulling such a cheesy move.

His finger hovered over the call button.

No… he couldn’t burden Kerry with this. He had his own life, a successful one, away from V. Away from his tragedy. There’s nothing that V could offer him if he dragged himself back to his doorstep, begging for forgiveness and being met with overwhelming pity. He tugged the sleeve of his shirt into a ball and pushed back tears that had started to sting his eyes.

V stepped one foot in front of the other, wincing at the pain in his joints as he began his way to the train station. He didn’t have a choice; if he wanted to live the fullest time he has left, languishing in self-pity and destruction was only going to kill him faster.

_ Tick tock, V. _


	2. Pain

_5 months left._

“Gin.” V flicked ten beaten playing cards onto the table in front of him, taking a confident drag out of the cigarette dangling from his left hand. Judy sat slumped across from him, brow furrowed, eyes darting between her own hand and the cards on the table. 

This woman puzzled V. Tinkering with robots and scrolling the best virtus in Night City… everything about her oozed technological prodigy, but she couldn’t wrap her head around the dated card game V insisted they play.

“This wasn’t what I imagined you’d want to be doing when you asked me to come over and hang after you were a ghost for a month.”

V shrugged. “Had my fill of the NC nightlife for a while. That so weird?”

Judy flattened her lips into a line and shook her head.

Reaching for his glass, V knocked back the last of his drink. He might have given up his hard partying, but sobriety had become a stranger to him he was unwilling to go back to yet. The burn of the cheap, hard liquor was a familiar friend. 

His head was pounding. Was it his decaying body, the grey matter scooped out of his skull, or the constant stream of questionable alcohol and back-alley Maelstrom drugs that was the culprit for the pain in his body? Faces, places, and time faded in and out, blurred together with a constant nagging ache that had begun to creep into his body.

The gentle light from the phone screen illuminated V’s face as he flipped through his messaging app.

“That’s weird…” He mumbled.

“What?”

“I don’t have any old messages anymore. A few weeks ago I had hundreds but…” he set the phone face down on the table. “I must’ve deleted them all.”

Judy looked incredulous. “Why would you do that?”

“I dunno… think I might’ve gotten drunk and wanted to run from all the reminders about this.” He tapped the side of his head.

Judy picked up her glass of iced tea, swirling the liquid in the bottom of the glass before tipping her head back and pouring the final dregs down her throat.

“Fucking gonk, you’re torturing me with this game. Might as well be back in math class.” Judy said, setting down her glass and looking up to her friend across the table. “What made you decide to pick up this old-timey shit?” 

V snorted in the back of his throat at her candid remark. He could remember the rules, but not who had taught him… or why he wanted to play. His parents maybe?

His mouth opened to retort but the sudden huff of air overcame his lungs, coughing violently into his hand. He examined the damage: blood… more and more each time. Droplets of his life being forcefully expelled seemed eerily fitting for his sentencing. Judy looked back down at the stack of cards in her hands.

“That’s disgusting by the way.”

“Well I can’t fucking help it, can I?” V snapped, flicking his hand to the ground, splattering blood droplets onto the grimy carpet. 

“Not that,” Judy sighed, pulling the hand of cards together and setting them face down “The way you do that. Into your hand and then all over the ground? Shit, V, thas’ gross…” V sensed her hesitation as she finished her sentence prematurely, essence in her tone of an incomplete thought.

Filling the silence with the flick of a lighter, she lit yet another cigarette and gently tapped the ash onto the tray propped on the table. 

V knew why she dropped the topic; his apartment had already gone to shit. Empty cans scattered onto the floor, trash piled high, every surface coated in grime or neglect. V had reasoned to himself that there was no use cleaning when you’re on limited time. He’d rather Judy assume he was becoming a slob instead of the pitiful, sad, dying boy.

“Are you ok V? I thought you were done with the chip stuff but you still sound like shit, coughing up your lungs.”

“I’m fine Jude, I can’t just walk away perfectly fine after getting Johnny cut out. But it’s…” he dropped his eyes down to the floor. “...manageable.”

Judy huffed.

“I fold, I think you’ve got enough points. I’ll count the bonuses and see how bad you kicked my ass.” She chewed the end of her pen and grabbed a notepad. “Ten points per partial games, right?”

“Twenty.” V corrected, using hands on his knees to push himself up from the couch. His bare feet shuffled quietly over the floor, nudging dirty clothes and trash out of his path. 

V placed two hands on the counter and leaned over the counter in the tiny bathroom, staring deep into the bright pinpricks of the Kiroshi optics. A large bruise on his cheek, dark bags dropping his eye sockets. His dark hair was greasy and unwashed, the tee shirt hanging off his shrinking frame was stained.

_Damn V, hiding away playing cards like an old man but you still look like shit._

Johnny. His voice echoed in V’s ears as clear as it did when his construct was firmly planted in his brain. His presence loomed like a darkening cloud, threatening to open an angry storm from the heavens. A foreboding reminder of the mental torture V would endure on his way to the bitter end. 

V’s knuckles curled into fists as he snarled at his reflection and leaned back to punch the mirror. His hand erupted into pain at the contact that sent cracks through his sickening reflection. Blood poured from his hand.

_Look at you, playing tortured badass._

“SHUT UP!” V screamed, clamping his hands over his eyes. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.” 

His desperate cries were in vain, the cards for him were clear: Death… inevitable… due to this narcissistic, wannabe rebel fucker.

_Get used to it, kid. We’re in this shitbucket now and there’s no getting out. No Arasaka to save you._

A primal scream erupted from V’s mouth as he crumbled to the ground, his body refusing to obey the firing commands from his own brain. His head felt like a stake was being driven through the nonexistent divide between himself and Johnny’s construct, splitting his skull down the middle.

Judy jumped onto her feet, startled with his sudden outburst. She leapt over the couch to drop to her knees on the floor. V felt his neck tip back as Judy cradled her friend’s head in her hands.

“V, what’s wrong? Talk to me. V??”

V couldn’t respond, his body seized in rebellion to his own synapses. Furious blood being pumped from his heart served another master. His vision was locked onto Judy, her eyes now full of tears and glowing a bright blue as she frantically spoke to someone on her telecom.

“Let me rest, Johnny… please.” V pled internally. “I can’t do this.”

But the rocker was already gone… he wasn’t able to stay long… not anymore. Not like before.

Darkness closed in, releasing V’s body back to him before going limp.

* * *

“We have to stop meeting like this.” V muttered unintelligibly; after coming to, he did not need to even open his eyes to know where he was. His heavy head was swung to the side of Vik’s surgery chair, soft beeping and harsh lighting penetrating his dulled senses.

“There you are, about time.” Vik leaned down and pressed a hand to V’s neck, gently checking his quivering heartbeat. Slowly, V lifted his lids to be greeted with the tight-lipped expression of his friend and trusted ripperdoc. A familiar expression of concern hung from Vik’s face.

“Well I don’t have to ask you if you know where you are.” Squeaky wheels let out a protest as Vik pushed back to peer at his computer. “How do you feel?”

V sighed, lost for words. He wasn’t sure how he felt… pain, of course… but the emptiness and dissociation was more difficult for his delirious mind to pinpoint. “I’ll be ok, doc.” Lies of this nature slipped out of V’s mouth easily, a skill sharpened from years of his time slaving away to Arasaka’s cutthroat corpo shithole.

“Hm, I’m sure.” Vik turned his head to inspect his patient, electing to not challenge the obvious front. “Now that you're awake, let’s take a look at you. Who knows what those Arasaka docs messed through here. Doubt they have someone with my experience up in fuck-knows-where orbit.” 

“Where’s Judy? Is she ok?” V asked, remembering her terrified face before he passed out.

“She’s fine, almost crashed into a poor gonk outside trying to park with you in the backseat. Left a few hours ago, told me to tell you to call her when you feel better.” V was relieved, he didn’t want her to sit around here waiting and worrying about him.

Vik started by shining a penlight in V's eyes before moving onto scans and an array of questions, pausing to press keys on his computer. V tolerated the poking and proding from Vik. His familiar, rugged methods were warm in constrast to the uptight docs he had endured from Arasaka.

“So…” Vik stood, looking down at V with crossed arms. “...did you think I would just not notice that your condition is getting worse? That you could just disappear and nothing would happen?”

V brought his hands to his face. “I’m sorry Vik I just… I’ve already put you through so much. I didn’t want to do that to you again.”

“Lying to me is worse than giving me a chance to help you. Can you stop being so goddamn stubborn for once?” 

V rest his hands on his lap, looking at his palms. “I’m dying Vik. The surgery… it didn’t work. The biochip fucked me up down to my DNA." His voice was small and strained, holding back tears. "It doesn’t think my body is mine anymore.”

“Oh, kid…” He heard Vik let out a heavy breath, sinking down into his stool.

“Someone from Arasaka told me that I would feel better and then I’d get sick really fast. Maybe I was hoping that it would take me fast enough I could just not be a problem for you anymore.”

V heard the sound of a drawer open before Vik placed a bottle of pills in his hands.

“For the pain, and to keep the seizures from getting too bad.” Vik rose and turned away. “You’re never a problem kid, but you know I’m not good at this stuff. If you feel any worse, come back to me, we can try a new medication. But for now, go talk to Misty.”

* * *

“Hey V.” V jumped. Misty was sitting on a short stool near the counter, book in her lap. Her small frame shrouded from the light of the candles, V didn’t even notice her sitting there when he passed.

“Jesus,” V coughed into his fist, attempting to conceal the splatter of blood. “you scared me, I didn’t see you there.”

Misty slowly folded down the paper to mark her page and closed the book. “You don’t need to hide that from me V, I know what’s going on.” A twang of guilt and anger rang into V’s body. 

Of course she did, Misty acted as Vik’s second shadow at times. Her eyes softened. “I want you to know that you have plenty of friends who are here for you-”

V didn’t want her to finish. “Great, another person who thinks I’m some pathetic charity case.” V groaned, dropping into a chair. “Here I am, look at me, come pity the freak dying boy.” 

He was already sick of the way people looked at him, the careful way they spoke. Memories floated into his mind of when he was stronger, more capable… taking down scavs and gang bangers with a vicious sweep of his katana. Fixers all over fought over his time, the best merc in Night City… reduced to this.

Silence hung in the air among the thick fog of constantly-burning incense. V was already panged with regret at his harsh words. “Misty I- ... I’m sorry-”

“I know this isn’t about me.” She said, leaning over the counter to peer at V, her tone soft. “I was helping Vik with you and Judy first brought you in here. You haven’t talked to Kerry yet, have you?”

V’s heart flipped. “How did you know?”

Misty’s eyebrows pressed together. “You were calling out for him between seizures.”

V took a shuttered breath and pressed his fingers to his mouth.

“No… I haven’t. Fuck, Misty…” He gestured. “Look at everything I’ve done here. Look at how much I stressed you and Vik out. How can I drag that back to Kerr in good faith? What do I have to offer him anymore?”

Misty shook her head, not breaking eye contact. “You heard Vik in there. Keeping secrets is going to do more damage than just telling him the truth. Vik’s not the biggest people-person I’ve ever met but… well... he’s right about that.”

“Misty…” V’s voice was quiet. He knew he relied on her for more guidance than she should have ever been expected to. His impulsive, fiery actions usually never demanded much contemplation of his own. He was lost. “What do I do now?”

“I’m going to draw you a tarot. Just one more, I think the cards will help you. You can stay over there if you’re more comfortable.” 

V dropped his head back into the chair while Misty shuffled the deck with a practiced hand. The slips of study paper scrambled by the universe in examination of V’s life… and fate. V wasn’t sure he believed in it all, but anything was worth the chance now. 

Misty tapped the top of the deck, “Past… present… and future. We start with the past.”

Misty placed the first card. “The Tower. This card means crisis… and destruction. You and Johnny joining and separating. Trauma.” She flipped a second card and set it down on the counter.

“The present…” she paused, interpreting the card’s message. “Of course. The High Priestess, reversed. Lost inner voice and inner repression.”

“Sounds about right.” V answered, his eyes trailing over the warm light from the candles. Removing Johnny did nothing to bring out his own consciousness into his center. He was still led astray… a disoriented passenger in his own flesh. A bygone controller struggling to stay in the driver’s seat.

“The next card is your future, V. I need you to think about your…” she hesitated. “…next few months. Channel what it is you hope to do.” V closed his eyes, unsure of what to manifest. His last months were nothing but a painful countdown. He heard Misty setting down the third card and letting out a soft exhale.

“The Hermit. A card for contemplation and search for inner truth.” V kept his eyes closed.

“Kind of feels like the cards agree with my approach so far… hermit.”

“It’s not literal, V. I don’t think anyone wants you to draw away, especially now. It’s more of a card for...” she paused, interpreting. “...a pursuit of your Truth. It’s said that the hermit emerged from the unconscious, guided by the light of the north star.” 

Hanako’s words echoed in his head: _Will you put up your feet up and ponder life?_

He thought that was a crock of shit. It had made him angry. What good is your life if you spend it twiddling your thumbs and thinking about how it’ll end? About what the point of it all was?

“V…” He felt Misty’s soft hand grab his own, and he opened his eyes. During his moment of contemplation she had silently crossed the room and squatted in front of his chair. His entire body relaxed slightly, clenched without him even realizing. “Take this as a message. There’s not a right answer, just… don’t give up. Don’t hide. Let the people who love you act as the north star to lead you out of the night. I can't promise it won't hurt along the way but you’ll find your Truth."

V had to hand it to her, nothing could rattle Misty. She held his gaze, voice unshaken, despite the fear and sadness behind her eyes.

_Sounds like some hippie bullshit._

V ignored the voice and gave her hand a small squeeze.

“Thanks Misty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you https://labyrinthos.co/ for the Tarot card explanations.


	3. Anger

_4 months left._

**Hi Kerry. I don’t know if you even want to hear from me, but**

Delete.

**Hey Kerr, long time no see!**

Delete.

**I miss you more than you could ever know**

Delete.

“Ugh.” V groaned, rolling over in bed. He had tried to compose a message to Kerry for days now, but nothing felt right. All the words that came from his fingertips felt clumsy. He thought about calling, but the idea that Kerry might hang up right away scared him.

“I’m so stupid.” He said aloud.

_Finally, right about something._

V winced, Johnny’s commentary always made him feel sicker than he already was. Waves of nausea and body aches came and went, but battling a persistent headache had become part of his daily routine. Some days he could walk around no issue, others he struggled to cross the room.

The bed creaked as he rose into a sitting position, palming his closed eyes to try and rub away the pain in his head.

He remembered Johnny’s words, “Tick tock.” If he wanted to make a move, he couldn’t wait anymore. V popped one of Vik’s pills to dull the pain so he could move.

He had to see Kerry. Before it was too late... if it wasn’t already.

* * *

“Oh my god.” Kerry’s eyes were wide as he opened the door of his mansion. V stood sheepishly, clenching his umbrella in one hand and his other fist clenched in his jacket pocket. The rain was heavy this evening, loudly splashing around them.

“Hey.” Was all he could manage, taking a quick breath.

Kerry looked like he was dressed for a night in, a printed designer shirt tucked into the front of soft, baggy pants. V couldn’t help himself from taking in every detail of his face. He wished so badly to scoop this man into his arms and make everything right with the world. He had been wrestling with what he was going to say, but seeing him in front of his eyes now, he was completely lost.

“Can… can I come in? I can, um, explain myself better without all this noise.” Kerry took a deep breath before stepping aside, letting V walk inside. 

V wasn’t sure what he expected meeting Kerry again, and had trouble placing what emotions he was feeling.

“How did you get to the door?” Kerry asked, taking V’s umbrella and propping it against the wall.

“The security bots remembered me, let me pass.” Kerry’s chin clenched.

V shifted awkwardly, was he regretting not telling his patrols to shoot on sight? Or maybe he didn’t expect for him to come back at all? He wasn’t sure what to say, where to start.

“What are you doing here?” Kerry asked, breaking the silence. V heard glass clinked as Kerry poured himself a drink for himself, not extending the invitation to join him.

“I wanted to come see you, talk about us.”

The pain in V’s body was becoming harder to ignore. The air moving in and out of his lungs felt cold, his heartbeat fast and angry. 

Without warning, the muscles in his back seized. V sucked in air through his teeth, jerking his chin to the side unwillingly. He leaned over, putting weight on a chair to keep him upright.

Kerry’s eyebrows knit, noticing V’s discomfort.

“So what are you on right now?” Kerry asked and crossed his arms, irritation rising in his voice. “Dorph? SynthCoke? Glitter? This your idea of a romantic gesture, getting fucked up’s got you really feeling like a brave boy to spill your guts?”

V shook his head, rubbing out the pain in his neck. “I’m just not feeling well. I wanted to see you. You haven’t called and I... I didn’t know what to say over the holo.”

Kerry took a quick breath in through his nose, turning away and looking at the twinkling Night City skyline out the window. The raindrops that hit the glass reflected the neon lights of the city, leaving a faint trail as they ran down the pane. Kerry brought the glass to his lips and took a long drink before he spoke.

“I did call, V.” His voice was exasperated and cold. “I called just a few days after you rang me from the space station. I pulled so many strings to find you and was just waiting… waiting for them to bring you home. You never answered any of my messages and I got so worried.” 

He took an uneasy breath, the skin of his face between his gold implants was flushed red. V watched him run a shaky thumb over his lips.

“You answered, fucked out of your gonk mind on god knows what. You told me to leave you alone, that you were better off by yourself. Told me that I should,” He turned to look at V, limply moving his fingers in air quotes. “go fuck some groupie, and then myself.”

V stood still, shocked, his blood running cold. He had no memory of this, but believed every word. When he had first come back to earth he felt unbelievably angry at anything that tried to pull him to reality. It was such intense self-hatred that he’d not felt before Johnny… to the point he wasn’t sure if it was his own emotions anymore or Johnny’s indignation toward him for shredding his engram.

His heartbeat quickened and he turned to cough into his elbow while Kerry looked down on him.

“Kerr I’m... so sorry… I didn’t mean that.” He struggled out the words, covering the new bloodstains on his jacket with his hand.

"You didn't think to read a single one of my messages? You thought I just didn't call and what, ghosted?"

"I... I couldn't bring myself to read all my messages, not after what happed. I deleted all of them. I don't know when, I don't even remember doing that. I was just so... scared, of what people were saying. I didn't want to be reminded-"

“Cut the shit V.” Kerry set the glass down, crossed the room, and poked his finger into V’s chest. The two men were the same height, his piercing eyes perfectly meeting V’s own. “Think this is my first fucking rodeo? Think you’re the first guy to break my heart and come crawling back back, skezzed out on uppers, wanting a second chance?”

“I’m not on anything! I’m… well, not anymore.” V’s face was red with shame and Kerry rolled his eyes. “I swore all that off, I promise. Believe me please… I’m just, I’m not ok. I have to tell you something-”

“Oh I’m SURE you aren’t V. Is that supposed to be my problem now after you told me that you never wanted to see me again?” 

“I’m dying Kerr!” V managed, tearing his gaze away from Kerry’s eyes and looking down at his hands. He regretted having to drop the bomb this way, he felt his heart in his throat as he stammered through his embarassment. “I… I’m sorry, I don’t know how to act like myself anymore.”

Kerry pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “I don’t give a shit about whatever romantic, Romeo-and-Juliet bullshit you have to say. You fucked me up, fucked _this_ up, and lost your chance.”

Tears flowed down V’s face. Of course Kerry didn’t take him literally, he’s abandoned all good graces he had left that would have given him the benefit of the doubt. If V was in his shoes, he'd assume that someone was just waxing poetic too. V moved closer, nearly touching their faces together and placing his hands on Kerry's shoulders.

“I know, let me try and fix this, please. I need you-”

“Fuck you, V.” Kerry shoved him away. He was yelling now. “You don’t think about anyone but yourself! Johnny was in your head and you took a deal from the corps to cut him out. Did you even give him a chance? Did you ask him what he wanted? Because I know for a fucking fact that he would have hated that. And now he’s gone, for good this time.”

V stepped forward, his jaw clenched. He understood why Kerry was upset, but he was pushing it too far. 

“Don’t say that to me like I had a choice, I did what I had to do to survive. I never asked for this.” 

“Well that’s _great_ for you, V.” Kerry said, throwing his hands up. “I’m so fucking _glad_ you’ve clawed your way out of there. Tell me, what have you been doing with your newfound life, hm? Fucking every cheap joytoy in the city and getting high off your ass? Is that what Mr. V does with his great gift of life?” 

V scoffed, speechless, running a hand through his hair as Kerry continued, “Well, really FUCKING glad for you. Three cheers for V’s brave will to survive!” His tone was mocking, twisting slightly and looking away to sing-song at an imaginary crowd.

“You’re full of shit if you think I’m the only one that Johnny would hate to see sell out to a corp.” V snarled. Kerry stared, his eyes narrowing angrily. “If I remember correctly, once you were on your own you went crawling to big ol MSM records-”

Before he could finish, Kerry slapped V hard across the face. The smack caused a shrill ringing in V’s ears, drowning out the sounds of their heavy breathing and the raindrops on the window.

“Consider that a warning shot. Get out of here before you do something you regret, _Vincent_.” Kerry spat, emphasizing both syllables in his full name with vitriol.

V gripped the side of his face, his skin hot and tingling. He peered at Kerry through the hair that had been cast onto his face. 

He watched him cross the room, grabbing the bottle of liquor from the ground and swigging it before leaning against the window. The heat from his palm condensed onto the glass immediately.

V’s chest tightened with regret.

“Ok, I’ll go. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

V held his head low and turned to walk out into the rainy night. His body ached, pins and needles in his feet and hips as he moved.

_At least Kerry’s still got some principles in him, unlike you._

V didn’t answer.

* * *

Water dripped onto the ground as V stepped into his apartment. His clothes were soaked from his walk in the rain. He had forgotten his umbrella by Kerry’s door, there was no way he was going to go back for it now.

V felt his weak muscles start to give out and he dropped to his knees. His chest hurt, each heavy breath labored. He crawled slowly into the shower and turned the water on, pivoting to sit under the stream of water. He didn’t bother getting undressed, his clothing was soaked through as it was.

He hugged his knees, sobs escaping from his sore throat. His tears were mercifully, immediately washed away by the hot water.

He was so incredibly angry with himself, with the world.

Angry that this was the shitty set of cards set down in place the second he let Jackie slot the biochip into his skull.

Angry that there was no way out.

Angry that he violently pushed away the one person that cared about him, that filled his heart with more love than he’d ever known.

He cried under the water until he ran out of tears.

* * *

V awoke at the sound of his phone ringing. He opened his eyes to see Panam Palmer’s name on his optics.

“Panam?” He answered, sitting up.

He was in bed now, naked, having fallen into a restless sleep after crawling out of the shower last night. His still-damp clothes sat in a lump on the floor by his bed.

“Hey!” She greeted cheerfully. “I was wondering if you’d even answer, it’s been a while.”

“Yeah…” V leaned back onto the wall, pulling the blanket over his knees.

“You busy? Cassidy’s setting up a little shooting contest out here. Figured it had been a while but I remember you used to like stuff like this.”

V squeezed his eyes shut. Even the thought of being under the desert sun made his head pound, let alone being around the blasts of gunfire and loud conversation. “I don’t know…”

“Oh come on!” She teased, “Even the craziest sons of bitches have got to blow off some steam sometime. Grab your iron, I’ll come pick you up. You can tell me what you’ve been up to.”

“Ok.” V sighed. “Maybe some time outside the city will be good for me.”

“Great! Where are you?”

“At home. Mega Building 10, should be easy to find.”

“I know it, see you soon!” Panam smiled before the connection cut. 

* * *

“God V, you look awful.”

“That your new way of greeting people now? Hello Mitch, great to see you, you look lovely, did you get a haircut?” V cracked a smile while Panam glared daggers at the jumpsuit-clad Aldecaldo. Mitch laughed, pulling V into a quick hug.

“Panam drag you out here for our little contest?”

“No dragging needed, she’s got some good ideas.”

The Aldecaldo camp had moved in the last few months, V didn’t recognize this area of the badlands anymore. Sunshine beat down from the clear sky, creating wavy images as heat rose from the cracked earth. The small group was outside the area of pitched tents and painted trucks, watching Cassidy plunk down a row of glass bottles.

“Rules are pretty simple,” Panam explained. “you get 12 seconds. Whoever shoots the most bottles wins.”

“Wins what?” V asked.

“Hm, bragging rights? My respect?” Panam smiled, nudging him with his elbow.

V pulled out the revolver he brought. The Archangel, a gun Kerry handed over months ago as thanks for letting Johnny play a gig with Samurai. It seemed fitting. He traced the engraving on the side, remembering Kerry's sly smile when he slid the gun across the bartop to him. The metal clicked as he pulled out the cylinder, flicking his thumb to watch the loaded rounds glide in a circle.

“Ok, I’m ready.” He flicked his wrist to the side to load the cylinder back in place.

Cassidy nodded and gestured V to step up to the line. He slid his shoes into the dirt, planting his feet and eyeing down the sight. Each bottle caught the rays of the sun, illuminating the colorful glass and shreds of label that had gotten picked off.

“Go!”

V squeezed the trigger and watched the glass shatter. 

He gasped, heart racing.

He imagined Kerry’s anger with him shattering just as brilliantly. His face when he saw V again, the disappointment and anger in his voice, the slap on his face... All his emotions: the lack of control, the anger, all bottled into a tiny glass container that was blasted open into a hundred tiny pieces. His hands ached at the kickback of the gun, but the anger to destory every single one of his regrets raged inside him.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

Hurting Kerry.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

Letting down Misty by going to Arasaka.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

The hurt on Goro’s face when he turned down the contract.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

The guilt he felt for causing Vik to worry.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

Forcing Judy to have to rescue him for a second time, her terrified face when she watched him suffer.

He reloaded.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

Eveleyn.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

T-Bug.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

Jackie.

_Squeeze. Bang. Shatter._

Johnny.

He had just one second left as he eyed the very last bottle.

_Squeeze._

_Bang._

_Shatter._

V.

He cried out when the last target exploded. Panam ran up to him, laughing as she squeezed V’s elbow. “That’s all of them, nice job. I knew you could do it.”

He looked at her, letting out a breath he was holding in his lungs. “Thanks, Panam. I’m glad you invited me out here.”

“You look relieved. Glad you still got that magic touch?”

V’s lips curled into a smile. “Something like that.”


	4. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note, this chapter contains discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Reader discretion advised.

_ 3 months left. _

“That should do it, I think.”

A loud clang sounded in the air as V let the hood of the car he was working on slam shut. He stepped back, giving Panam the thumbs up to try and start the engine.

The Aldecaldo van started up with a purr and V raised his fist in victory, matching Panam’s grin as she leaned out the window.

“Nice work cowboy. I didn’t even think about bypassing the coupling that was giving me trouble.”

V shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. “Picked up a few things here and there.”

He turned away and sucked air in through his teeth, wincing at the twinge in his neck. His head ached more each day than the one before, every beat of his heart pulsed even more pressure through the blood vessels in his skull. 

“You ok?” Panam got out of the car and approached him, her shoes crunching on the rocky earth of the Night City badlands.

V couldn’t resist people’s concern for him anymore, he didn’t have the energy for it. 

“I just need to take a pill and I’ll be ok-.” Before he could finish his excuse, his vision wavered and he felt his knees give out. He braced his hand to hit the dusty ground, but Panam was behind him in a flash, hoisting him from under the armpits to stay upright.

“I gotcha.” She helped him regain his footing. “Let’s go, you can lie down for a bit. You’re looking a bit grey. You need some help getting over there?”

V tested his footing and his legs wobbled.

“I think so yeah.” Panam slung his arm over her shoulder and slowly started off in the direction of her tent.

After V came all the way out for their shooting “contest”, he spilled his guts to Panam over beers by the campfire. She insisted that he stay a few days, stay busy, and maybe their Nomad contacts would turn something up about how to reverse his condition.

That was weeks ago.

V knew that wishing for a magical cure was foolish, but felt himself enjoying the quiet again. Miles of open yellow desert didn’t ask anything of him. The stars in the sky connected by his trailing fingers every night. The roar of people and machines that followed him in the city was lost behind.

The more content V was, the less he heard of Johnny.

He liked keeping busy, taking care of odd jobs for the Aldocaldo’s took his mind off his sickly body. The last several weeks he filled his time repairing engines, preparing meals, and disassembling every caliber of firepower in the entire Aldocaldo family, oiling and polishing until they ran like new.

_ Nice job, you made yourself an errand bitch. _

There was nothing left to say back to Johnny.

V sat down gingerly on the cot in Panam’s tent. She had given up her own bed, despite V’s protests, and slept on a mat nearby. He sighed and looked down at his hands, unsure what he ever did to gain such devoted friends.

He wasn’t able to run from the fact that he was getting worse. Each day, the agony grew. Unrelenting muscle pains found new homes in every limb of his body. Finding food that he could keep down became hard to come by, vomiting up almost everything before his stomach could even process what he had passed through his lips. And his head…

Oh… his head…

V grabbed the bottle of Vik’s pills and overturned it in his hand. The capsule sat in his open palm, bright orange coloring striking against his dirt-streaked skin.

“So what’s the plan?” Asked Panam, sitting down on the ground in front of V. He looked from the bright orange pill to her concerned expression and back.

He couldn’t stay here forever, he knew that. As much as his heart longed to run free with their clan he knew the time for that was passed. The only thing he’d be able to offer soon was dead weight as they helped him limp around, seizure to seizure.

“I… I think I need to go home.” He croaked, popping the pill in his mouth and swigging a gulp of water from a canteen.

Panam sighed, dropping her head down to her shoulders.

“Are you sure?” She asked, placing a hand on his knee.

He nodded. “I need to see Vik again. And get settled, get my affairs in order before I… before I can’t....” V looked out the tent flap to the arid desert, glancing at the fluffy clouds stretching across the blue sky. He thought again about Kerry… his smiling face in all his photos, and the angry expression he had when he saw V again. Nothing had ever hurt so bad, and no matter how many little machines he fixed and nomad stories he heard he wasn’t able to get it out of his brain.

It was tortue.

“I wish I could stay here Panam, I do.” He placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a squeeze.

“Ok V, I’ll let Saul know.” V could see tears welling into her eyes, but she stood before she could let him see her break. 

V let out a shaky breath, heart heavy with guilt for dragging another one of his friends into his tragic story. 

“Thank you, Panam.”

She nodded and left the tent without another word.

* * *

V couldn’t move.

Or at least, he couldn’t bring himself to move.

Every single painful twinge of his muscles reminded him that he was woefully still alive, for now.

He turned over, groaning, and spooned his pillow.

The alcove bed in his apartment had been his nest for the past several days, rising only only when his bladder or thirst willed him to get up to satisfy a basic need. He was watching himself get thinner and thinner in the broken mirror of his bathroom, his nausea keeping him from wanting to pick at even his favorite foods.

Vik topped off his medications but he hadn’t touched them. He wasn’t sure why, perhaps he wanted to punish himself further for what he had done.

Nothing made V happy. Nothing made him want to get up and fight the pain anymore. He stirred at nothing; not when his phone chimed, his favorite songs played on the radio, or the landlord starting to pound on the door.

V felt dead already.

_ This is fucking sad. _

Perhaps agreeing with Johnny was starting to indicate his real mental slip as well.

V put his hands on the back of his neck and pulled his knees into his chest, curling into a ball.

_ You’ve still got time left and people to be with and you’re just giving up? Christ, V. _

“Shut up…” V mumbled, sniffing away tears.

Was this really what he was doing with his final weeks? Wasting away alone?

Well, did he have a choice?

Kerry’s mocking voice was in his head again…

_ “Three cheers for V’s brave will to survive!” _

V rolled over, sobbing loudly. What a waste. What a waste of his life. Then, and now.

He groaned and crawled out of bed, his joints on fire, but managed to get on his feet. It was dusk now, the last remaining light of the sun casting a blue hue across his filthy apartment.

The door to his weapon stash clicked as he entered. V ran his hands over all the killing machines he had collected. Swords, pistols, shotsungs, rifles… all deadly and beautiful. Some earned, some stolen, but all had made V shine with pride when he had first slotted them into their place on the wall.

Now, all he felt was emptiness.

Johnny was gone. Kerry was gone. And he was responsible for both of those men leaving him.

V ran his hand across the wall and pulled out the heavy pistol all the way on the left.

The Malorian Arms. Johnny’s favorite.

V replaced the clip and pulled back the slide, inspecting the bullet in the chamber. Tears continued to stream down his face.

He had been shot in the head once. He could remember exactly how terrified he was watching Dex aim down at him ready to take him out. At that moment he wanted so badly to hold onto his life even if it was just for a little while longer.

However… this time… he felt like it was right.

He could even remember that splitting pain from the punch that took him down snuffed out in an instant. Maybe this is it. Waiting to deteriorate was just adding a few more hours to his pain, reveling in how much he hurt the people that loved him.

V let the slide go and it clicked back into place. He exited the stash room and pulled the computer chair over to the window, settling into it and placing the pistol on his knee.

Night City surged with life outside the window. The sun had slid under the mountains in the distance; followed by it, a looming darkness creeping into the sky. V followed pinpricks of car headlights and the scroll of the skyway ads reaching up to the stars.

All things considered, he was insignificant. A speck. This won’t change anything, and even if it did, there was no stopping it anyway.

“I’m so sorry, Johnny.” V took a heavy breath and brought the Malorian up to his temple. The cold metal brushed up against the hair stuck to the side of his head. 

His hand shook. 

His breath was short and fast.

If he had to go out, at least it was on his timeline now.

“You deserved much better than a fuckup like me.”

V closed his eyes.

He took a deep breath through his nose.

His finger twitched.

His phone rang.

The sudden jingle cut straight through the extreme tension in his body like a knife. V gasped, the pistol slipping out of his grip and clattering to the ground. He stared, wide-eyed at the caller ID scrolling across his vision.

**Kerry Eurodyne.**

“What?” V asked aloud, pressing his hands to his mouth. He was panicking, his heart beating heavy in his chest. Should he answer? What would he even say? What did Kerry want, to ream him out again?

_ Answer it, pussy. _

The crude jab from Johnny gave V the nerve to grab his phone and press the accept button.

“H-hi.” He stuttered, trying to gain his composure.

“V, uh… hi.” Kerry sounded uncomfortable and sheepish. V sat in silence, not sure what to say.

“I uh… I bet you weren’t expecting me to call.” Kerry said.

V shook his head. “No, I wasn’t…”

“I um… I called your ripperdoc.”

“Why?” V was stunned, his mouth running dry.

“I was worried about you. Even though…” V watched Kerry look down on the video feed, taking a deep breath before looking back up. “Can you come over and talk?”

V looked at his shaking knees. “I don’t know if I can make it there by myself.”

“Ok… I can come get you?”

V eyed the pistol on the ground, his blood running cold at the realization of what he was about to do. “Yeah.” he said, voice shaking.

“Ok, send me the address, I’ll be right over.”

* * *

V jumped when he heard a pounding knock on the door. The surge of emotions from before had exhausted him, and he crawled back into his bed before passing out. He struggled with the sheets as he rose, as if the bed itself was also willing for him to shrivel up inside.

The air in the room felt still as he crossed the room and mustered up the strength to yank open the door.

Kerry stood in the doorway, a sight that made V nearly burst into tears. He was wearing his usual outfit for avoiding the public eye; sunglasses and a baggy sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, but he still looked perfect to V. A guardian angel that accidentally saved him from himself.

“Holy shit V.” Kerry took off his sunglasses and glanced side to side before he let himself into the apartment. V closed the door behind him.

“Hi-” V’s voice cracked. He coughed before trying his greeting again. “Hi Kerry.” He wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, so he shoved them into the front pocket of his sweatshirt.

Kerry crossed the room and peered out the window. “I called your ripper.”

“Yeah you… you said that on the phone.”

“I just wanted to comfort myself that you were still alive, at least. He told me what was happening… what’s happening to you.” Kerry hung his head and V realized he had begun to cry. V walked gingerly to the window and leaned on the frame, watching Kerry’s profile. “You tried to tell me the truth and I was so shitty to you.”

Before V could react, Kerry turned and pulled him into his arms, wrapping himself around V’s shoulders. V grasped his hands together behind Kerry’s back and buried his face into his shoulder as Kerry ran his fingers into V’s hair and sobbed.

“You’re doing all this alone. I was such a fucking asshole to you when you needed me.” Kerry turned his face to lay a kiss on V’s head before pressing their foreheads together. “Look at you. You look like you’ve been to hell and back. You’re shriveling right in front of me. I can’t believe this is happening.”

V couldn’t either. His heart was beating out of his chest as he grabbed onto Kerry for dear life. He was so warm, so comforting. He felt like his true home had come back to him. The scent of leather and expensive cologne awakened his senses again.

“I can’t believe you came back to me, Kerr.” He choked.

“I’m so sorry.” Kerry pushed their lips together.

A spark lit in a hearth within V that had been burnt down to grey ashes. Kerry’s touch reinvigorated the flames into a roaring fire again. 

V kissed him back intensely, bringing his hand up to Kerry’s jaw and feeling his flushed cheek under his fingers. They kissed for all the words unsaid and all the time that was wasted.

It was the most incredible sensation V had felt in so long.

It took his breath away.

It was perfect.

It was magic.

It was…

It was too much.

V pulled away from Kerry suddenly as a flash of white hot pain shot through his skull, a scream escaping from his lips. His legs gave out under Kerry’s arms and he crashed to the ground, muscles seizing as all the cells in his body rebelled against the remnants of V that were in the driver’s seat. Kerry’s face blurred in his vision but he could see the terrified expression on his face. V felt bile rise in his throat, his neck popped as Kerry pushed his face to the side for him to vomit onto the carpet.

“Oh my god V, hang on…. just hang on baby…”

V’s love for Kerry was quickly overshadowed by the terror that overcame him from the seizure before the darkness took over.

* * *

“V? Can you hear me?? V!” Kerry’s voice called him back from the void. V opened his eyes to see the overhead lights of his apartment hallway flying by. He was being wheeled out of the building by a Trauma Team. V struggled to get up, eyes panicked. A member of the Trauma Team pushed him back down.

“No no, V stay still, you’re ok, they’ve got you.” Kerry was consoling him as he jogged to keep up with the crew. 

V shook his head and gasped against the oxygen mask they put on his face. He was terrified. He didn’t want to spend his last days hooked up to machines again, getting poked and prodded by standoffish doctors, reduced to nothing but a guinea pig. Nothing felt like hell quite like the unrelenting, sterile treatments.

“Kerr… no… get me out of here. I just want to go home.” V reached for Kerry’s hand and he took it, holding tight.

“Are… are you sure?” He asked, exasperated. “I can pay for it, they’ll take care of you.”

V continued to struggle against the grip of the Trauma Team and pulled at Kerry’s hand with the little strength he had left. “I- I don’t want this. Please tell them to let me go.”

Kerry nodded, and held up his hand for the Trauma Team to stop. He spoke to them quietly, and V tried to remain conscious. He noticed Kerry’s eyes flick blue for a moment before he passed out again.


	5. Upward Turn

_ 2 months left. _

Bright flashes.

Prodding fingers.

People yelling. So many… people yelling. Jostling him.

He wished they’d let him rest, let him be.

Until… until he awoke, and realized someone had given him his wish.

V opened his eyes and realized he wasn’t at home anymore.

He’d recognize Kerry’s mansion bedroom anywhere, except this time it was sparkling clean. The piles of clutter and dirty laundry were nowhere to be found. The water stains and sweaty handprints on the windows had been wiped clean. Soft, egg-white sheets replaced the usual loud patterns on the bed.

The windows were open, letting in a soft breeze. Gauzy curtains fluttered causing the warm light to dance across the floorboards. The air smelled fresh and the chaotic sounds of the city were muffled away.

V blinked again, trying to shake the grogginess, before turning his head to the ceiling. He was surprised to feel that his head pain was gone, replaced with a haziness that caused his eyes to struggle focusing. He wiggled his toes, then his fingers, feeling an IV that was taped onto the back of his right hand. V lifted his arm to inspect the newly-placed line when his eyes finally came into focus on the figure behind it.

Kerry was slumped over on the side of the bed, passed out from clear exhaustion. A book lay just outside his reach, sitting open on the sheets. V’s heart fluttered as he watched his lover’s back slowly rise and fall as he slept. Kerry’s head was turned away from him and all he could see was a messy tuft of his blonde hair and his tattooed arm cradling his forehead in the crook of his elbow. The sunlight shining in from the window illuminated shapes of gold across the white sheets and Kerry’s still frame. 

V had never seen such a lovely sight.

He remembered their kiss, just before he passed out. How full his heart had been, how happy he was that Kerry had come back to him.

As relieved as he was to wake up in a familiar place, his mind started filling with questions. How long had he been here? Why was he here? What happened to him?

Reflexively, he reached up to trace the surgical scar by his chip slot to find that his hair was soft and clean. He looked down to see he had been changed into a pair of loose-fitting grey sweats. Had someone bathed him? He swallowed down unease that was rising in his throat at the thought of a stranger invading his privacy while he was unconscious.

“Hey.” His voice came out small as he reached for Kerry’s head, gently running his fingers through the hair he could reach. Kerry stirred, mumbling, as he was roused for his sleep. “Baby.” V spoke a little louder despite his dry throat.

At the sound of his voice, Kerry snapped his head up, his eyes wide. He was gorgeous as his cybernetics ensured he always was; but bags had set under his eyes, and deep lines of worry ran across his face. V felt his face flush at the fuss.

“V oh my god, you’re awake.” Kerry moved gently, as if afraid to break him. He sat on the edge of the bed and placed his hand on V’s cheek, looking down into his eyes. “How do you feel?”

“I feel…” V looked down at his body. The lack of full-body pain nearly felt surreal. “...good. Fuzzy, but good.” Kerry looked relieved, bending down to kiss his face and press their foreheads together.

“You scared the shit out of me.” Kerry let out a heavy sigh, rubbing V’s cheek with the thumb of one hand and squeezing his shoulder with the other. “I thought you were leaving me. You called out for me so many times, you sounded so scared.”

“Kerr how… how did I get here?” V pulled away. “Why am I here? Trauma was about to take me away, what did you do?”

“Paid ‘em off.” Kerry smirked. “Professionals don’t come cheap but everyone in this city has a price. Took a lot to get them to change their plans once I already called them in, but got them to reroute my call and bring you here.” He gestured to the room. “Home.”

“Who changed my clothes?”

“I uh, called your ripper. That Viktor guy. He came with the gal with the hair… what was her name…”

“Misty.”

“Yeah that’s the gal, Misty. Sweet girl. They helped me get you settled after Trauma dropped you off. I figured you’d be more comfortable with someone who’s already got up in your business… he set you up with some pain meds, anti-nausea, hydration, all the preem shit.” Kerry pointed to the IV bag.

“But why? Why did you do all this?”

“Because you asked me to.” Kerry said it like it was obvious, but the gesture filled V’s heart to bursting. “Listen V, I don’t know what they did to you up there. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to be trapped somewhere being fucked with in the name of some fucked-up  _ science _ .” He turned and made a rude gesture to the sky.

“But I was so mean to you, I got so fucked up for weeks just… throwing everything away. Throwing us away.” V withdrew his hand and turned away, ears red with embarrassment.

Kerry put his hand on V’s chin and turned his gaze back forward. “And I repaid the favor by being a total gonk in return. I had to make it up to you. And you can make it up to me by letting me help you.” He stood up, arms outstretched. “I can make you comfortable here. You don’t have to be alone.”

V bit his lip. He wasn’t sure what to think, he didn’t like the sound of being watched over, taking all this time from Kerry’s busy career. Shriveling away, causing a heartache for another person he loved.

But on the other hand… it’s not like he was going out glamorously on his own.

_ What did that hippie chick say again? _

Johnny’s voice surprised V, the usual crude demeanor replaced by a contemplative one. He closed his eyes and recalled what Misty had said to him after his tarot reading.

_ “Don’t give up. Don’t hide. Let the people who love you act as the north star to lead you out of the night.” _

V nodded. “Thank you, for all this. I don’t know how I can repay you.”

Kerry leaned in and kissed V.

“There is one thing.” He slid off the bad and padded with slippered feet into the next room, returning with an acoustic guitar. It was a beautiful instrument, the immaculate glossy wood shining as it caught the light. V cocked his eyebrow in confusion, causing Kerry to chuckle.

“I know I know, random. Just let me explain.”

He sat down at the edge of the bed and balanced the guitar on his leg, strumming a melody. The music swelled in the room, filling the space alongside the breeze. “I talked to Misty a lot, getting you situated. She said that she asked you to do something for her. Some… I don’t know what she said exactly, I was pretty distracted with you, but soul-searching, it sounded like.”

“Yeah… she asked me to find a Truth.” V flicked his left hand in the air with emphasis. “Asked me not to hide. I did a pretty shitty job of it on my own, I guess...” Kerry pressed his lips together and stopped playing.

“Well I didn’t help you with that, did I?” He turned, looking at V with soft eyes. “Here, take it. See what you can do.”

V hesitated. “Johnny isn’t here anymore, I can’t- I can’t just play like him again.”

“No, I don’t want to hear that old bastard. I want to hear you try. See if there’s muscle memory in there. I can show you some chords.”

“If you want…” V murmured. Kerry crawled onto the bed and sat behind V, positioning his fingers into place.

“That’s C… real basic. Try it.” V obeyed, strumming the pick across the strings. The chord rang out in the air, making Kerry smile. He was right… V did sense a familiarity coming to the surface. He switched between C and G, then G and A; clumsily, but the notes found the right spot and a progression came together.

“This is you, V. All you.” Kerry assured.

“Why did you want me to do this?” V asked, stopping his strumming.

“Music is… fluid. You can tell a lot of stories with music when words fall short. Emotional stories, stories with sadness and pain but also triumph… and freedom.” Kerry raised his hand and rested his head on his chin, rubbing V’s back with the other. “I can tell there’s something in there that needs to get out but it’s not one with words. Your uh…” He gestured to the guitar in V’s hands. “Truth, if you will.” 

V looked down, hesitant. 

“Please just try. If there’s anything you can do for me, I want you to try.” Kerry paused, a nervous look on his face. “Even if you think it sounds like shit.” 

For the first time in a very long time, V threw his head back and laughed. 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” He wheezed, and Kerry gripped his knee and laughed with him until their bellies were sore and Kerry collapsed with him in bed.

V felt at home at last, even if it was just for a little bit.

* * *

The days that followed were blissful. A regular IV bag fed into V’s veins kept him pain-free and hydrated, his dull skin becoming pink and smooth again. 

Kerry introduced him to genuine marijuana, hard to find in NC, a rare treat he splurged on. They took turns smoking blunts poolside until the nausea evaporated and V’s sense of hunger returned. A new routine of regular meals filled out his gaunt face, and much to Kerry’s delight, filled him with an invigorated strength. 

The pair made love as often as V’s body could keep up. Passionate, breathy moans filled the open halls of Kerry’s mansion until their bodies collapsed, tangled in the bedsheets. V couldn’t get enough of it: the feeling of Kerry’s soft skin under his hands, the pretty sounds that escaped his lips, the way their bodies rocked together in ecstatic harmony… he missed it all.

“Remember the boat?” V asked one night as they lay naked together, rubbing Kerry’s shoulder.

“Oh my god, how could I forget.” Kerry laughed loudly, covering his eyes with his hand. “What a night, huh?”

“You miss that? The craziness?”

Kerry shook his head. “I like you just the way you are, as long as you’re right here.”

* * *

“Jackie!” V rose with a start, his chest heaving, throat raw from screaming. His entire body was covered in sweat, his brain reeling from the nightmare. Kerry was kneeling over him, cradling V’s head in his hands.

“Hey hey baby, you’re ok. I’m here. It was a bad dream.”

V grabbed Kerry’s hand, squeezing it. Holding on to remind him this was real, that Kerry wasn’t going away. 

He saw Jackie in his dream, his bloody face as he passed right before V’s eyes. His body dissolved into a mist, escaping V’s grasp as he tried desperately to hold on. The helplessness and panic rushed back with a force, knocking him back again and again until he felt nothing else.

“I need you to breathe, baby. You’ll feel sick if you stay this upset.” Kerry inhaled steadily in and out, coaxing V to do the same. The choppiness in V’s breath went away after a few inhales, Kerry’s soothing voice slowing his heartbeat.

“Ok ok… I’m alright.” V placed his hand on his belly and pushed air out of his puckered lips.

“Another bad one?” Kerry asked, pushing the sweaty hair off of V’s damp forehead. They came more nights than he had peaceful ones, shaking him violently from his slumber. Everyone he had let down: Jackie, T-Bug, Johnny… they all came back to him in his dreams.

“Yeah- I don’t... I don’t think I want to talk about it.”

He felt Kerry lay a sweet kiss on his forehead. “Well, you’re all sweaty and gave me a hell of a scare so I’m not falling asleep anytime soon. Let’s go take a dip, hm?” Kerry slid out of bed and wrapped a silk robe around himself. V pushed up to a sitting position, swinging his legs over the bed.

“Ok? 1, 2, 3.” V leaned on Kerry to get to his feet, palming the cane that was placed in his hand. His legs no longer had enough strength to stand on his own, but he wasn’t about to fight anything that would continue to give him mobility, even if he felt silly.

“You like that thing? We can stick some jewels on it, call it your pimp cane.” Kerry teased as they two of them slowly made their way outside.

“Does that make you my joytoy?” V slapped Kerry on the bottom, flashing back a cheeky grin. Kerry gave him the finger and stuck out his tongue.

It was late, almost dawn. The sky was a deep purple, outshining the pinpricks of the stars in the sky, leaving behind only the red and white blips of passing ships overhead. Night City hummed in the distance, but the two men were tucked away safely in their own oasis.

Kerry unknotted the robe and let it drop to the ground, slipping his boxers off. V stared, smiling. Despite the sleep he was losing and stress he was taking on, Kerry was still gorgeous. He traced his eyes over his tan skin and crawling tattoos, stopping to admire his perfect ass.

“Like what you see?” Kerry caught V looking, giving his hips a wiggle before jumping into the water. Ripples stretched from end to end of the pool as he broke the mirror-like surface. He watched his lover surface, spitting a mouthful of water up at him. “Get in, you stinky gonk.”

V grinned, slipping his own shirt and boxers off. The cane fell to the ground with a clatter as he let himself fall into the water. He liked the pool, it took pressure off his limbs. He felt lighter, more able, and the warmth improved his circulation.

He surfaced, whipping his head and sending his hair flying in different directions. Kerry swam over to him, wrapping his arms around V’s neck and pressing their wet lips together. V kissed him back, moaning, pulling Kerry’s back into him tighter.

Kerry pulled away. “Better now?” He asked, winking.

“Much better.” V cradled Kerry’s chin as they kissed again, sinking deep into the water, the one place he could completely hold his love in his arms the way he wanted.

* * *

It had been a few weeks since Kerry first gifted him the guitar, and V had taken to playing as much as he could. The notes were clumsy and his fingers cramped, but the sound of the strings singing put some of his emotions into sounds that he couldn’t quite say with words. He pictured his anger, his fear, or his love as he brought the pick down, humming along.

V was propped into bed, lounging on a pile of pillows as he played. He was practicing a simple chord progression that he liked, running through it several times at different speeds, forcing his uneasy hands to smoothly transition from chord to chord.

The jingle of his holo interrupted his strumming, and he set the guitar off to the side. Judy’s name appeared on the caller ID.

“Hey Judy.” He smiled and leaned back into the pillows, watching Judy’s camera flick on in his vision. “Glad to see you.”

“Hey yourself! How you doing?”

V shrugged. “Vik gave me some good stuff to keep me going, keep the pain down. And I have a…” he bit his lip “pretty good caretaker now.”

“Ah, an old flame hm?” Judy tsked. “I should have known, you old dog.”

V laughed. “Something like that, yeah.”

“You’re looking good, glad to see you’re doing better.”

V ran a hand through his hair, freshly cut thanks to a recent visit from Kerry’s personal stylist. “Better” wasn’t really the right term, but he was feeling less… greasy and sad, for sure.

“Hey V!” A familiar voice called offscreen.

“Was that… Panam?” V asked, as the familiar face joined Judy’s.

“So I uh, wanted to let you know I left Night City.”

“That’s great Jude!” V sat up. “So are you and Panam… uh…” He gestured, watching Panam blush.

“No, tragically this chika is hetero.” Judy said, biting her nail. “But I feel amazing V. I never knew how much NC was killing me until I took a step back.”

“What changed? Why now?”

“You helped me realize that I can’t take my time for granted, you know?” Judy sighed. “I heard how much you did for the Aldecaldos, and what they did for you… figured there was something more for me than just scrollin smut for the Mox all my life.”

“We’ll take care of her V, trust me.” Panam slung her arm around Judy and pulled her close. “She’s family now, and so are you, never forget that.”

V pressed his fingers to his mouth, blinking away tears that threatened to spill over his lids. Everything made him emotional lately, but watching his friends happy made his heart swell. He saw Kerry walk into the room quietly, listening in on his conversation. “I’m so happy for you, really. I think you’re going to be really happy.”

“Hang in there V, ok?” Panam said.

“And if we can’t talk to you again… well…” Judy’s voice wavered and V’s stomach turned. “you’re a really good person, V. Thank you for everything-”

“I’m still here, you don’t need to talk like that. Please…” V hung his head, rubbing an ache that started in the back of his neck.

“RIght, I’m sorry. Listen, we have to get going, but I’m glad we could talk.”

“Ok, take care you two. We’ll talk later.” The two women nodded, looking uncomfortable before the connection cut.

V laid his head back and pressed his hands to his eyes, his chest shuttering as he stifled a sob. Kerry crawled into the bed, curling around V and placing his head on his chest. “I’m gonna kill those bitches.”

V wrapped his arm around Kerry and stroked his back. “They’re not bitches, don’t say that.”

“Well they made you cry, that’s fucked up. What did they say?”

“They didn’t do it on purpose. It was just… a shitty reminder. Of what’s about to happen.” He forced himself to take another deep breath. It was just as well that his friends said the quiet part out loud, forcing him to think about the cold truth that he was avoiding, filling his mind with nothing but loveliness with Kerry. Hot tears streamed down his face. “I’m not ready to die.”

Kerry gripped him tighter, not answering. V felt him quake under his arms.

“I’m so scared, Kerr.”

_ Everyone dies, V. _

V wrenched his head to the side, shaking away Johnny's leering voice.

“I don’t know what to say, V. I’m scared for you too.” Kerry’s voice was muffled, pressed into V’s shirt.

“There’s nothing to say.” V sniffed, pressing his eyes with his free hand. They ached from the tears, the dehydration started to make his head pound. They lay silently, breathing together to calm one another.

After a while, V grabbed his phone, tapping open a new message from Judy apologizing, followed by a picture of her sitting atop the dusty Aldecaldo vehicle V had helped repair weeks prior.

**keep her running well, think shes in good hands :)**

He typed back with one hand and hit send, locking the phone and gazing for a minute at the lock screen picture. Kerry’s head perked up.

“Oh shit, what a snap, huh?”

V smiled. “Yeah, what was even in our heads to make us take such a cheesy pic. So sweet it almost makes me gag.”

Kerry frowned and sat up, shifting onto his butt. “You don’t remember?”

“Remember what?”

That picture… it was-” Kerry looked down, chewing his lip. “We had just gone to dinner, couldn’t have been a day before you fucked up Arasaka. We said that when everything was over, we would…” he trailed off, looking out the window.

“Kerr?”

“I asked you to marry me, when everything settled.”

V’s mouth dropped open. He had known that his memories were hazy, but the surgical separation that separated him and Johnny cut out more memories that he realized. Kerry… married… the thought nearly made him laugh. “You did? A batshit crazy, incredible rockstar like you… why would you want to give up your life for me? A fucking… insignificant, meathead merc?”

“You said yes…” Kerry turned to him, resting his hand on his cheek. V was dazed. “I’ve spent so many years of my life chasing tail, you’re one of the first people I’ve ever met that made it all clear again. You’re not insignificant, not at all. You meant something to me… something worth committing to. Worth staying alive for. I’ve never been so happy than when I’m with you, kid.”

“Marry me.”

“What?”

V pulled himself up, leaning on his knee sideways. “I can’t get down, but this will have to do.” He grabbed Kerry’s hands, holding them close to his chest. He watched Kerry’s eyes go wide, his lips parted. “Marry me.”

“Are… are you sure?”

“I love you, Kerr. I’ve never been more sure of anything. I can’t turn back time and I can’t prevent what is happening to me; but I want you to remember me as your husband. I want to be put in the ground wearing a ring that seals me to you forever.”

Kerry was speechless, pupils shaking as he held V’s gaze.

“Say something.” V pled. Kerry leaned in and kissed him, passionately, wrapping his arms around his neck.

“Yes Vincent, yes. I will.”


	6. Reconstruction

_ 1 month left. _

It had only been a few days since V’s proposal but the house was set for the wedding in a flurry. Kerry hand-picked every vendor across the NUSA to help them for the day, jumping into action to set everything in motion.

Misty was standing behind V, slowly combing through his hair. V was unable to lift his arms long enough to style it himself, but Misty knew her way around well enough. She hummed quietly, running her fingers through his dark locs so it swooped to the side.

V studied her in the mirror as she worked. She was wearing a simple purple dress, a new set of fishnets replaced her usual ripped pair. A cascade of necklaces dangled across her chest, catching the light as she moved. Her mouth was curled into a small smile but her eyes held an unmistakable sadness.

“Very handsome, V.” Misty laid her hands on his shoulder and made eye contact through the mirror. V smiled, swiveling his head from side-to-side to admire her handiwork. He still wasn’t used to the way his face was slowly sinking in, but his heart was too full today to care.

Today was the day he would promise his love to Kerry forever. The person that saved him, made him feel love in his heart again when nothing made sense. He had never been so sure about anything in his life.

Misty walked around to help V stand and grabbed his white jacket, helping him shrug the garment on. He inspected the white slacks and undershirt, they fit perfectly, likely due to the quick work of Kerry’s stylist.

“Here, my gift to you.” Misty turned and produced a delicate origami flower, each crisp fold of the bright red paper came together to form an ornate rose. She pinned it to his lapel.

“It’s beautiful Misty, thank you.”

“Now you can hang onto it, won’t wilt like fresh flowers. I’ve already given Kerry his.” Misty said, wrapping her arms around V’s middle for a hug.

The day was a happy one, but V of course felt the overwhelming sadness everyone was hiding. It was the elephant in the room, the words unsaid. This was a wedding for a dying boy, a widow in waiting. People spoke quietly to him, carefully, walking on eggshells to not topple the delicate happiness he had managed to find.

V pushed the thoughts out of his mind. Today was going to be a nice day, a happy one for him and Kerry, no matter what.

The door opened and Vik’s head poked through, his usual ragged shirt replaced with the sharp jacket and blazer that V hadn’t seen him wear since Jackie’s funeral.

“Wow, look at ya.” He pulled V into a tight hug, patting him on the back. “Clean up good, kid. Nice work Misty.” V grinned, grabbing his cane from the side of the room.

“Everything ready?”

“Yup, whenever you’re ready. I’ll be out there waiting.”

V nodded and Misty stepped up, producing her arm.

“Let’s go V, he’s dying to see you.”

V walked slowly through the house, leaning heavily on Misty and his cane. His steps were short and careful, but he knew Kerry would wait a lifetime if it meant they’d be together. Misty gave him arm a squeeze as they rounded the corner to the patio.

Beyond a plume of white fabric, he saw him. Kerry, dressed in the same white suit, with his hands clapped together and brought to his mouth. A bright blue flower was pinned to his lapel, a mirror of V’s. He was the most gorgeous creature V had ever seen, filling his chest up with joy. V was smiling ear-to-ear without him realizing. Padre stood behind Kerry, a bible clasped into his hands, nodding to V as they made eye contact.

Misty led him down the aisle and kissed his cheek, passing his hand off to Kerry’s. She took her seat next to Vik, wiping tears out of her eyes. Out of the corner of V’s eyes he saw Vik put his arm around her, giving a fatherly pat on her shoulder.

The crowd was small, there were few people that the two of them felt close enough to share this moment with. Mama Welles was the lone other attendee on V’s side, dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief before they had even begun. A handful of old bandmates and friends sat on Kerry’s side; V scanned the crowd quickly, picking out Denny and Nance, before turning his eyes back to Kerry.

V’s legs quivered slightly but he held onto Kerry’s hands tight. He kept his gaze fixed on Kerry as Padre read the welcome message and said a prayer, Mama Welles quietly reciting alongside him in Spanish. Kerry’s eyes were swimming; V could get lost in those beautiful blue pools forever. 

Padre stepped back and gestured to the two of them. Kerry cleared his throat and tipped his head back, blinking away the wetness threatening to spill over.

“Vincent. On the first day I met you, you broke into my fucking house.” The crowd chuckled. “And I knew that you were special. So special, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. You’ve been my everything, there’s nothing else on this Earth I truly need as long as I know I love you.”

V’s lip quivered as he listened, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Today I’m marrying you, my soul mate, a man that I’ve loved more than anything else, a man that saved my life.”

He let out a shuttered breath and continued.

“I vow to be your umbrella when life rains down on you. I vow to be your voice when you cannot speak. I vow to be your fire when yours has burned down to coals. And I vow to love you with all my heart for the rest of my days.”

Quiet sniffles came from the crowd as Kerry finished. The only dry eye in the house belonged to Padre, his stoic professionalism keeping a soft expression.

V dropped his head and let out a breath through his pursed lips before looking up.

“Kerry. I’m just a merc and not an award-winning songwriter like you, so this might be a bit rough, but... the love I have for you is hard to put into words in the first place.”

“You came to me in my darkest hours and put light back into me. Every single day I wake up and see your face, I know I’m going to be ok. I can’t even start to describe how much you’ve done for me, to keep me safe. You’re one of the best things that ever came crash-landing into my life.”

V turned his head to cough, swallowing hard to wet his throat before turning back.

“I… I vow today to love you without reservation. I vow to be your rock in stormy waters, as much as I am able. I vow to be your friend, your partner. And I vow to love you with all my heart for…” he hesitated, squeezing his eyes shut and struggling to get out the last words. “...for the rest of my life.”

He finally let himself cry openly, his hands shaking. They pushed their foreheads together and breathed deeply to steady themselves. Kerry nodded to Padre to continue, and he stepped forward behind them.

“Repeat after me Mr. Eurodyne.” Kerry nodded and repeated the vows that Padre recited.

“I take you, Vincent,”

“To be my husband,”

“To have and to hold,”

“From this day forward,”

“For better or worse,”

“For richer or poorer,”

“In sickness and in health,”

He took a deep breath before the last vow, his lip quivering. 

“Until we are parted by death.”

* * *

V was exhausted. The wedding party stretched the rest of the evening, champagne flowing freely as the guests reminisced and shared in Kerry and V’s happiness. As the people that loved them laughed and cried together, V studied their faces. He wasn’t sure when he was going to see them again, and drunk up every moment. He was grateful that he had this opportunity to see them.

He sat away from the excitement with Mama Welles for a while, swapping stories about Jackie.

“Dios mío, you boys. So much trouble.” She had said, shaking her head as V regaled her with another story of their mis-adventures. She had taken his hand and caressed the back of it. “He’d have wanted to be here, to see you happy, pequeño.”

The sun dipped below the horizon and the guests slowly departed, each of them pulling V into a strong hug before they went.

Vik finished placing a new line into V’s hand and patted his arm. “I’m real glad for you, kid. Everyone deserves someone they love like that.” He rose, grabbing his jacket that was cast aside nearby. “I set you up with your regular medication and some sleeping meds after your exciting day. You need anything, feel any new pain, call me, ok?”

V gave him a weak thumbs-up. “You got it, thanks Vik. Really. I’m glad you came.”

Vik nodded and turned to leave, Misty in tow. They were the last ones, the door swinging shut behind them leaving V and Kerry by themselves. They may have been the only two in the mansion, but neither felt alone. They lay in bed together, V inspecting the gold band on his left hand.

_ I’ll admit, it’s good to see Kerry happy. He’s been through a lot of shit. _

V nodded in response to Johnny’s voice echoing in his mind.

“How do you feel?” Kerry asked, threading his fingers through V’s outstretched hand. V kissed the top of his head.

“I feel like a new man.”

* * *

The next day, V collapsed in the shower. Kerry came running in when he heard the crash, flipping off the water fast as he turned V’s seizing body to the side.

No amount of Vik’s medicines could stave them off anymore.

V could no longer handle the smoke from the blunts they shared, coughing up his lungs every drag he attempted to take. Meals were inedible again, despite Kerry’s best efforts to track down his favorite comfort foods.

Kerry spent hours slowly massaging every one of V’s muscles as the pain crept into his limbs, watching V’s pained expression with a broken heart. Their blissful days were over, and now his new husband was crumbling right under his hands. There was nothing more he could do.

V spent most of his days curled up in bed, his legs no longer properly obeying his mental commands. One day Kerry brought in a deck of cards, tossing them and a pad of paper onto the sheets.

“Ok, let’s see if you can still kick my ass as Gin Rummy somehow.”

“You play? I… I remember how, but I don’t know why.” Kerry smiled sadly and brushed the V’s cheek.

“It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” V’s eyebrows furrowed and his heart sank, realizing that he had stumbled on yet another memory of Kerry that had been erased from his head.

He slept often, his vision fuzzy when he did wake, disoriented by the time that had passed. Occasionally he would wake to hear Kerry playing music for him on the guitar, sitting nearby. The gentle strumming sounded familiar, V realized.

“What are you playing?”

Kerry looked up. “Hey, you’re awake. I think I’ve finished up a project.” He started strumming and humming a wordless melody, a simple prelude that swelled into a familiar chorus. Kerry reached the end of the song and looked up with his tired eyes. “Do you remember that chorus? You played that, practiced it over and over. I wrote the verses around it, just needs lyrics… whenever I feel strong enough to write those.”

“It’s beautiful Kerr, thank you.” Kerry stood and set the guitar to the side, sliding into bed with V. He held him close, gingerly, worried that each time he stood and left that V would depart from this world without him.

“I’m sorry.” V croaked.

“For what?”

“For this. We can’t even honeymoon, I’m making this so hard for you.”

Kerry kissed him on the head. “That’s enough, I don’t want to hear any of that.”

V was stirred out of an uncomfortable sleep to Vik’s voice in the hall one morning.

“You look awful Kerry.”

“I know… I just, I can’t sleep with him like this. I don’t want him to go when I’m passed out. I need to be there.”

Vik sighed. “He’ll wait for you. There’s not a lot he can do, but he will.”

* * *

It was a particularly dark night, heavy rain clouds blocked out the light from the moon. Water poured from the heavens onto the city, splashing all around outside the windows. Kerry was next to V in bed, failing to concentrate on a magazine, when he heard V’s breath become ragged.

His heartbeat increased as he studied V’s face, pulled into a slight grimace.

“Hey… You ok?”

“I’m just… really tired.”

Kerry moved behind V, putting his legs on either side of his torso, letting V lay his head back on his chest. His body was so frail, so fragile, Kerry wanted to protect him from anything in the world that would come to them. He wrapped his arms around the other and kissed him on the head.

V said something unintelligible.

“What’s that, baby?” Kerry asked, cocking his head to the side to free up his ear.

“I remember… your brown eyes.” V was barely talking at a whisper, straining against his tiredness.

“What do you mean?”

“Johnny… let me see some things. Some things of… of you.” V paused to cough.

“Don’t stress yourself out, it’s ok.” Kerry soothed, but V continued.

“Your eyes were brown… you made them blue. I like them... brown.”

Kerry didn’t answer, he simply tightened his grip.

“I love you.” V said, weakly squeezing Kerry’s hand.

“I love you too, baby.”

They both watched the city out the window, hazy from the rain.

“It really is beautiful.” V’s voice was so soft, but Kerry was able to make out the words. He looked down and pushed the hair out of the way to see that V’s eyes were closed.

Kerry gasped quietly.

Everything fell away. The roar of the rain outside shrinked to a whisper; neon lights from Night City faded into a puddle. Every ounce of pain and pressure in Kerry’s body formed a weight deep in his chest.

The world stood still...

...he knew it was time.

And yet, it still came as a surprise.

Kerry could hardly breathe, his chest quaked. Heavy tears streamed down his face.

He pulled his husband's body close to his chest, burying his face into his shoulder.

“I love you too, V. More than I ever had time to tell you.” 

He began to sob, rocking both of them side to side slowly.

“I’m so sorry... I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t give you everything you ever wanted.”

He gently grasped V’s limp hand in his own, bringing it to his lips and kissing the soft skin on the back of his hand. The last sweetness he was able to pass into the most incredible soul he’d ever known.

“Goodbye Vincent. I’ll… I’ll see you on the other side... someday.”


	7. Epilogue - Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested listening: u/LexPlaysMusic loop cover of Kerry's song. https://www.reddit.com/r/cyberpunkgame/comments/l99v85/kerry_eurodyne_cyberpunk_2077_loop_cover_first/

Kerry rolled over, stretching his arms out, reaching for the figure that was no longer there. His bed felt so enormous with V gone, empty space stretching for what felt like agonizing miles. Today was the day of the memorial.

V was gone.

His husband, his love, was gone.

Kerry felt like the flame in his chest had gone out with a deep puff of air, leaving behind only a hollow imprint where V belonged.

He couldn’t bring himself to get up, not yet. Just a few more minutes to cling to in order to shut out the world. One of V’s shirts was tucked into the sheets with him; he clung to it like a child. The scent that emanated from it was fading with each day, and he needed to appreciate it while it was still there.

Kerry’s head ached alongside his heart. He had mourned for days, wandering the empty halls of his mansion with a drink in hand and tears in his eyes, unsure what to do with himself. He touched every item that his husband had owned or used, thinking about every single way that V had been there. The clumsy way he strung the guitar, the way he hung his clothing up in the closet in defiance of the way Kerry threw everything to the ground, even the cheeky way he would always smack Kerry on the bottom when they ascended the stairs.

He stretched his hand to the ceiling, looking at his gold wedding band, and thought of his promises. V would not have wanted him to shrivel away as well… as much as he yearned to give into the impulse, he had to continue on.

The El Coyote Loco was packed, but quiet. Kerry sat on the balcony alone, Mama Welles having beckoned him up when he arrived through the back door. The room was lowly lit, but Kerry gazed down through the sunglasses he had on. Everyone that knew V understood that he was the widow in mourning, he didn’t need to make any excuses for himself.

Cigarette after cigarette was tamped into the ashtray as the memorial went on. The nicotine burned his throat and made his eyes sting, but it was a better vice than inhaling the stuffy air of the bar. 

Kerry examined the crowd. V really had touched the lives of so many people in Night City, collecting an unusual bunch of creatures that came to pay their respects to his portrait at the altar. Nomads outfitted in their riding gear, fixers, rippers, journalists, Militech corpos… Kerry could have sworn he even spotted the Mayor and his wife, flanked by two bodyguards.

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, but he remained fixed forward. A beer bottle clunked on the table next to him and he heard Mama Welles’ voice.

“Stay here as long as you need.”

Kerry nodded, grabbing the beer and pressing the cold bottle against his pounding head. Days of chest-heaving breakdowns had done a number on him; exhausted and dehydrated, he was glad that the memorial had come.

Once this chapter finally felt closed, he could begin to pick up the pieces.

One by one, V’s closest friends came forward to tell a story or say a toast. Kerry listened intently, sparking up another cigarette. His eyes were too sore to cry at the kind words. He stayed planted on the balcony until Mama Welles stepped forward to conclude the service. He rose, shaking out the soreness that settled into his hunched shoulders, and turned to climb the stairs to the roof.

He wasn’t surprised to already see Misty, sitting and hugging her legs into herself, watching cars zip by on the highway in the distance.

“Hey.” He greeted, his voice hoarse.

“Hey.”

He pulled a crate over to her and sat, fishing a rolled joint from the pocket of his leather jacket. The skunky smell of the weed wafted into the air, and he held it out for Misty. She accepted it without a word.

The two smoked it down to a nub before Kerry tossed it off the building, watching the embers flutter away down into the alley.

“Hey Misty?”

“Hm?”

“Do you… do you think that V did what you asked him to do?” He looked down at his hands, rubbing the dry skin of his fingertips together. “I don’t remember what it was exactly that you said but… he cared, and he said he was trying.”

Misty nodded, setting her chin down on her knees. “Yes, I do. Because he came back to you.” 

Kerry blew air out through his nose, gripping the lower part of his face firmly to keep his composure. Misty placed an assuring hand on his upper back.

“And he’s with his best friend now. I think if there was any Truth for him, it was being with the people he loved without holding himself away.” She paused, looking up to the cloudy sky. “There wasn’t anything more you could do, Kerry. It’s ok.”

Kerry couldn’t bring himself to answer, but there was no need. She was right, he had done all he could, it was done; and that filled him with adoration and sadness.

* * *

Kerry stood at the columbarium alone, the empty plot open in front of him. A chilly wind swept dead leaves across the ground around his feet.

He inspected the bright red rose that V had pinned to his lapel on their wedding day. One of V’s last wishes was to be buried in his wedding ring, a symbol of his devotion forever. Kerry knew that the rose was the next best thing he could use to remember him by. He turned it over in his hands, the ornate creases in the paper still held their shape just as Misty promised. It would never fade away, never wilt, just like his love. 

It was fitting.

Kerry gently placed the rose in the box and waved it shut. The soft blue light of the marker appeared.

**V**

**A devoted friend and loving husband.**

Kerry had contemplated all the ways he could memorialize V, but nothing fit him more than the simple description he settled on. Kerry tipped his head back to the sky, a weary smile on his face.

“You can rest now baby, I’ll be here for you until we can be together again.”

* * *

Lonely days passed by morning after morning. For the most part, Kerry was able to keep to himself. Quietly clinging to the memories before they started to drift into distant thoughts again.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to avoid his life forever.

Kerry’s legs dragged as he walked down the stairs to greet his corporate representative for his record label. He couldn’t think of a worse way to spend a Sunday morning, but the guy had been on his ass for months, and he knew MSM was getting inpatient with his inactivity. 

“Ah Mr. Eurodyne, finally. Good to see you.” Ugh. Kerry walked past him to the kitchen, jabbing the buttons on his coffee machine aggressively until it poured a hot cup of coffee into a mug.

“Shall we begin?”

Kerry sneered, dropping heavily into a chair on the opposite side of the table.

“Let’s get this over with.”

The suit-wearing man sitting at his table tapped on his laptop keyboard for a moment before leaning back, studying him.

“Per your contract at MSM records, we require either new content or a public appearance every month to keep our artists fresh in the public eyes. It has been…” He tapped a key. “...nearly three months now. You do understand that this is unsustainable, Mr. Eurodyne.”

Kerry fidgeted, spinning his wedding ring around his finger.

“I’ve been busy, I told you. I can’t just up and play dancing monkey right away. I need time.”

The corpo sighed, threading his fingers together and setting his hands on the table.

“With respect, it’s been over a month since he passed.” Kerry’s jaw clenched, anger rising in his stomach. “Longer than you were married, no? How long is this going to go on?”

“Stop.” Kerry warned, gripping his mug with a fist, the ceramic burning into his hand.

“You have to get back to your life eventually. If you go back into the public eye with a mysterious wedding ring, it’ll hurt the image to your fans that you might be available. It’s our official recommendation that you remove it, and we can get you a nice late night spot on-”

“That’s enough!” Kerry rose, flinging the entire mug in the corpo's direction. The mug exploded on the table, sending shards and splashes of piping hot coffee everywhere. The man yelped and jumped out of the chair, flicking off droplets of brown liquid all over the carpet. “My husband dies in my arms, _in this house_ , just weeks ago, and you just want me to take off my ring and act like it never happened?”

Kerry lunged at him and grabbed him by the collar, forcing his head close, eyes narrowed and frantic. “Do you corpo fucks have a soul at all? Or did that leave you by the asshole the first day that you put that suit on?”

The man stammered in response but Kerry threw him to the ground, tossing his heavy laptop to the ground beside him. He heard a crack, sounding like expensive damage. Good.

“Get the fuck out of my house!” He screamed, watching the terrified corpo scramble out the door.

He was seething at the audacity, pacing around the house in a rage. He didn’t give a shit if some teen girls’ hearts were broken that he was married, or that his fans might be sad he hadn’t slogged onto some flashy talk show for brain-dead gonks in a couple months. 

“Those fucking asshole… fuckers… goddamn bastards...” He sounded stupid, but he couldn’t care as there was nobody around to hear. He could scream until his lungs gave out, but the only listening ears were his brainless security drones right outside.

Or were they?

Kerry stopped, eyeing his computer.

He supposed he could make a “public appearance” in his own way. He was expected to bury his relationship with V, put it in the past, but there was no way that was happening. MSM had him by the balls, but there was nothing stopping him from _playing_. Art, after all, was a subjective expression.

He flipped open the laptop and booted into his webcam. There was a song in his heart, and he was ready to set it free.

Eyeing himself in the webcam reflection, he ran his hand through his hair to tidy it. He looked like shit, but he was far from worrying about his appearance.

He cradled the guitar and hit the record button.

Music filled the air as he began to play the song he wrote with V, weaving their wedding vows into his lyrics. It was painful to sing and his voice sounded husky, but after years of practice the notes themselves still came out smooth and clear. The chord progression V had been practicing was unusual, cobbled together by an ameteaur, but he wouldn’t have changed it for anything.

Kerry’s eyes were wet by the time he finished and turned off the recording. He didn’t edit it or even play it back, he wanted the emotion to come through as he felt it: raw and real. The cheery website of a video sharing site greeted him, and he clicked Upload.

**For V.**

He typed into the title, leaving the description blank. Before he could give himself time to change his mind, he raised a shaking hand and clicked Post. The plastic case made a harsh noise as he slammed the laptop shut.

It felt as though he had been slugged by an Animal, his breath quickened as it set in what he had just done. He stood, tossing his phone onto the table, and lay down on the floor. It had taken so much out of him to finally sing the song to completion, but he felt warmth inside for the first time again since he last held V in his arms.

“I did it, babe.” He said. “I told my Truth too, just like you.”

* * *

**Kerry Eurodyne Flashes new Wedding Ring in Unexpected Video**

**Who is V? Eurodyne Puzzles Fans with New Video**

**Famed Rocker Kerry Eurodyne Uploads Most Emotional Song Yet**

Kerry scanned the stacked copies of the screamsheets in the shop window. Some headlines accompanied screenshots of his video, zoomed in on his pixelated wedding band. Others featured street snaps or headshots. He took a glossy magazine that was propped up front and studied the blurry photo of himself on the cover, splashed with random cutouts of various celebrities’ heads.

**Kerry Eurodyne’s Mystery Man? Our Top 10 Guesses!**

“They wish.” He mumbled to himself, setting the magazine down and shoving his hands in his pockets as he continued down the street. He was approaching the towering MSM corporate headquarters, feeling like he was walking into his own execution. The flurry of irate calls and text messages he received indicated he was going to be made to feel sorry for his defiant act. 

He looked up to the sky, the bright sunshine peeking through the clouds.

Despite it all, he felt a twinge of happiness inside. An essence of triumph after oh so many losses. He gripped the ring on his left hand and smiled.

V had taught him many wonderful things, and despite his departure from their world, would live on in so many ways.

Kerry would make sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for coming with me on this emotional journey. <3


End file.
